If you have been following this blog for a little bit, you know that Jon and I have been trying to conceive baby number two for a little over two years now. It’s not my most favorite thing to talk about, so I don’t mention it often, but I felt like it was time for a little update.
It took us five months to get pregnant with Nathan so never in my wildest imaginings did I ever think it would take us this long for number two. We got pregnant right before Mother’s Day last year and then miscarried about six weeks later. I can honestly say that I have never been at a lower point in my life than last summer.
I went through the stage of thinking that if God could take our little one, who we had already been trying a year for, what is to stop Him from taking my little Nathan? Or Jon? And I had to learn that God is my Father and that He is good.
I went through the stage of being so desperate to get pregnant that I could barely stop thinking about it. If I wasn’t Googling something, I was reading something, thinking about something, trying to figure out our timing and what day of my cycle I was in. And I had to learn that God’s timetable is not necessarily my own timetable.
Starting in November, we began seeing a fertility specialist. After dozens of tests, ultrasounds, bloodwork and semi-painful procedures, we discovered there was nothing wrong. The doctor didn’t know why we weren’t getting pregnant. So, we did three IUIs (inter-uterine insemination) and several rounds of a fertility drug believing that our odds of success were going to be great and still…nothing. And I had to learn that God is the Author of Life and He can choose whether or not He will work through a procedure.
I have questioned everything I believe. I have questioned everything about my life. Is God not good? Does He withhold something just to cause pain? Is He not giving us another child because we are terrible parents? Do I not read my Bible enough? Pray enough? If children are a blessing, what am I doing that is wrong?
How much, in my selfishness, I make this about me.
In the last several months especially, I have come to see so much of God’s grace in my life. I have learned more about Him as a loving Daddy. I have learned to trust His timing and His direction for my life. He is Sovereign. I have seen the good in these years of infertility – the time alone with Nathan, the way this struggle has drawn me closer to Jon, the longing I have now for heaven.
I have learned to appreciate the days of being able to teach Nathan without having to split my attention to care for another. He is so passionate. I want him to learn to use that passion for good. I love being able to do things with him and play things with him and teach him how to make chocolate chip cookies and be able to be totally focused on him during the day. I love having a child who can play by himself and who understands that Mommy needs to write. I love my little helper doing the laundry or dusting or vacuuming (though for that one there is some debate about whether or not it’s actually “help”). I love how we have the freedom to spontaneously go get frozen yogurt or play baseball in the backyard or run through the sprinklers on hot days.
After all this time, I can honestly say that I am content.
Do I still struggle with it? Of course. I still sometimes get teary thinking about it or thinking of our little one we lost. I still get the now-familiar ache anytime someone announces their own pregnancy or I see cute pregnant women or precious babies.
I do honestly believe that someday we will have another child in our home. And right now, we are just praying for God to make His will completely evident to us about what our next steps should be. We’ve been taking the summer off of fertility treatments so now we are waiting and praying and trying to discern His will. Should we do more fertility treatments? Are we perhaps being called to adoption? Or to simply wait and treasure this time we have right now?
I am so thankful for all of you. I have received so many wonderful, precious emails and comments and letters that I hold so dear to my heart. Please know that I pray for each of you. I would very much appreciate your prayers for wisdom for me and Jon.
Love to you all. 🙂
You are always in my prayers, Erynn! Your honesty really inspires me and I really appreciate you sharing with your readers–both the cute and funny moments in your life and the struggles.
Thank you so much, Drea, for your prayers!
Hi Erynn,
I have been following your blog for about 4 years and love love love reading it. Thank you so much for being honest and vulnerable with us. I am praying for you and look up to you as a woman of God. Please know that I think you are an incredible mother and hope that one day I can love my child and family as much as you do.
You are so kind. Thank you so much for your prayers and your sweet words! They are cherished!
I love your books and have followed your blog for awhile now. I enjoy all of your Nathan updates.
My husband and I have struggled with infertility for many years and it has definitely been a hard road. Thank you for your honesty and sharing your struggles. I think the hardest part is that infertility seems like such a secret shame. We need more brave people willing to talk about it.
We adopted our son during the same summer that your Nathan was born. He is a gift from God. I know now that every moment of our struggle we were being led to where God wanted us to be and that when I felt like we were all alone, He was always there.
We will continue to pray for your family. God Bless!
Jenn, thank you so much for this precious note. I am so glad that God blessed you with a sweet little boy! What a blessing! Thank you so much for your prayers and know I am praying for you as well!
I had been wondering how you were doing. I've been reading your books and blog since before you and Jon even got married.
I'll be praying for y'all as you decide what God wants you to do next. Wouldn't it be nice if He would write the next step in a huge banner? But, I guess we'd miss out on part of the journey if that happened.
Know you're not alone in your waiting.
Dear Laura! I am so thankful for your wonderful notes and emails and reviews over the years. You are such a blessing to me. Thank you so much for your prayers. It would be nice if God would just write everything in an email or something to us! 😉 I am praying for you as well, friend!
Erynn – thank you for your honesty…. I'm only 19 but I recently found out I probably have endometriosis… It's daunting knowing that means I will probably struggle with infertility, but reading how you and Jon are handling this inspires me and gives me hope. Thank you for being a godly example of dealing with struggles. Will be continuing to pray for you guys! xoxo
Rebekkah, thank you so much for your prayers. I am so sorry to hear that you might have endometriosis. It's such a strange disease – there are many women who have absolutely no trouble at all conceiving with it, so please don't worry needlessly! I will be praying for you and your future!
Love you, dear friend!
<3
And I love you. <3
I agree with taking the summer off fertility med wise. I've heard its harder to conceive when someone constantly thinks about it. I've been reading your blog and books for a few years.
My husband and I got married two months ago. He already wants us to start trying for a baby. He is 33 and I am 30. There are two things that make me hesitant to agree. We live in a tiny apartment. We don't have the space for a baby. I also have polycystic ovarian syndrome. It bothers (scares might be too strong of a word) that we may have fertility issues. It's like I feel better knowing we are choosing not to get pregnant right now. It's a huge conflict of emotions.
Thanks for your note, Katie! I totally know where you are. I have friends who have PCOS and some of them have had no trouble at all getting pregnant. It's totally God's timing! I will be praying for you and your husband as you guys try to figure out what the future holds for you. 🙂
Hi Erynn!
I have absolutely loved reading your books and your blog. Thank you for sharing your heart and for being so honest. I am praying for you and Jon and I know that God has amazing plans for you! : )
Thank you so much for your prayers, Meghan! You are so kind!
I love your honesty. I love how God has been working in your life and how you're not afraid to share. I know several other people besides myself who are at similar places in their lives – not necessarily with the exact circumstances, but learning the same things; surrender, trust, and learning to be content where you are, even while looking forward to the future and change. You are an encouragement.
This is the sweetest note, Bethany. Thank you so much. I will be praying for you in this season of waiting and learning contentment. God is good and He does have a plan for our lives!
Hi my sweet friend. I just now saw this. I have been praying and wondering how things have been going. I will continue to pray for God's will for you and Jon. I am so thankful that He has given you peace and has blessed you with Nathan who gives you such great joy. I still pray Isaiah 66:9 over you. God is faithful and will give you your gift. I believe it with all of my heart. In the meantime, I'm hugging you from afar. 🙂
My dear friend! Thank you so so much for your prayers. You are so wonderful. I think of you and pray for you often. You are such a blessing and I know God has amazing plans for you! Can't wait to see what they are. 🙂 Hugging you back!
As I was going through something very different from what you've been through, I was experiencing some of those same feelings and questions. "Am I doing something wrong? Does God not want to bless me?"
After hearing a sermon in church I suddenly felt so released. The pastor said "Even if God never blesses you again, He has blessed you enough in Christ."
I'm not sure why this spoke to me so much, except that this is what it got me to believe again: God loves me and does want to bless me; I believe that He will. But even if He doesn't, He has already given me Christ! Nothing is owed to me, but much has been given. I'm already blessed, and can wait patiently for whatever else God may have in store for me.
Thank you for sharing your journey!
-Madison
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your thoughts, feelings, struggles, and what you have since learned. I know this post is old now, but I just found it. 🙂 As someone who has tried to get pregnant for 2 years now, I can very much relate to what you said here, and it was an encouragement to me. Thank you. 🙂
~RB