Yesterday, we went back to the doctor for yet another ultrasound to see if everything was out and unfortunately, the pregnancy sac was still there. The good news – if there was good news in that situation – was that the sac looked empty, which meant that sometime over the last week or so, my body had realized the baby was gone and had reabsorbed it.
Which at first made me very sad but the more I thought about it, the more I decided that just meant this little one will always be a part of us.
Since nothing had passed, I had to take misoprostol yesterday. It was a very long, emotional, rough, painful day. The cramping got so bad at one point that I had to take a vicodin on top of the 800mg of Motrin I was taking and use a heating pad. By 6:15 last night, though, the majority seemed to be out. And the cramping and bleeding has finally lessened significantly now.
I spent most of yesterday in tears because even though I’ve known it was over for a week, it was actually over yesterday. Part of me really needed the closure and the ability to just grieve. My parents came over last night after Nathan was in bed just to check up on me and bring me a milkshake. They have a blood pressure monitor and because of all the bleeding, my blood pressure was very, very low. I called the on-call doctor and she told me to drink as much as possible and making sure I didn’t start feeling dizzy or I was going to have to go back to the ER. That did not sound fun at all, so I downed four glasses of water, milkshake and orange juice before bed last night.
My blood pressure is much better today and I’m actually feeling okay. I took a three hour nap while Nathan was sleeping today and I’ve been doing my best to look forward. We are going to get a tree this weekend for our yard in honor of our little one. We are praying hard that our doctor will be able to get us in for my laparoscopy the first week of August so we can begin trying again.
Thank you friends for all your prayers for this very, very long month. I know I could never have made it through this without the huge circle of prayer, support and hugs.
I am still praying for you! I am so sorry. 🙁
I'm glad you have closure and your body is recovering. I pray the surgery next month is conclusive and helpful….
I am praying for your recovery and that you are able to try again soon. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine 🙁 I saw this quote today and thought of you and your family.
"God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us – in the dreariest and most dreaded moments – can see a possibility of hope." ~Maya Angelou
I read this as part of my devotional today and I feel I should share this with you: "…You will be sorrowful but your sorrow will turn to joy." John 16:20b
Be strong for God has an amazing plan for your life and your testimony.
Praying for you, Erynn. God is Love.
I am truly so sorry, Erynn. Get plenty of rest and enjoy your little boy and husband as much as you can. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
God bless!
Still keeping yall in my prayer. I know that God heals.
Praying for you, sweet sister!
Lord, when we can't hold on, thank You for reminding us we are held secure in Your mighty hand. When we can't stand the thought of letting go, help us trust that You are constant and faithful, loving and good, no matter how limited our sight becomes. Embrace this precious family as You guide them through this difficult season. May Your peace overwhelm them as You keep their eyes fixed on You. Refresh them with Your grace as they grieve their loss, knowing their precious little one is safe in Your loving arms. When we can't understand why, help us focus on You. In Jesus' name, Amen
Erynn, You are one of my favorite authors and I have enjoyed following your blog as well. I haven't visited since about May because I lost my precious first child from a miscarriage just right before I read your miracle heartbeat post. I was so beyond happy for you but so sad that it wasn't me so I had to take a break for awhile. I saw a tweet from you about a blog post today and realized it had been way too long since I'd read. I was confused to see that you were not pregnant and had to go back and read. I am so very sorry for your loss. The pain from miscarriage is one that no one ever truly knows until they have been through it and it's a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy. The best words of encouragement I received while going through it myself was to grieve as long as I needed to grieve. I thought I should have been "over" it after a few months but I realized that it is something impossible to "get over". Even now, take time to grieve if you need to. Take hope that we are now 6 months pregnant again and God has been so faithful with this pregnancy. I trust that you will be blessed with a child again!
Here are a few blog posts I wrote (I have a marriage blog) about miscarriage if you are interested:
http://mystery32.com/2012/04/hold-on/
http://mystery32.com/2012/04/finding-hope/
http://mystery32.com/2012/06/waiting/
Thank you for sharing your experience and thank you for writing amazing books! I look forward to keeping up with you again. 🙂